darylim.com

This reflection is probably overdue, but i’ll just do it anyway since i’m just idling around in the holidays.

Yr2S1 has been an excruciating sem for me, or for most of us that caught the workload offhand. Gone were the days in Yr1 where those introductory modules were much easier and lesser workload. No more lame HW modules to clog up the timetable, which means that every module is equally hard and important. Furthermore, the 6 modules i’m taking; the 4 Chinese modules plus 1 translation (which technically is also a chinese module)and a EEE elective which i know nuts about, is definitely of no easy feat.

It didn’t get better when on top of all these i had a problematic tutee and a tight tuition schedule to meet and other emotional turmoils along the way which made me feel exasperated, and on the verge of surrendering.

I’m glad that all these is over, both this torturing sem and some of the things i once hold dear. I dare not say that I’ve worked extremely hard this sem, but at least i can say that i’ve tried my best within my means for things to work out.

Some did, some didn’t.

One of the biggest take-backs i’ve gotten out of this was that people in your life do make a difference when you’re dealing with shit.

I’d probably wouldn’t be able to survive without these people along the way, for your guidance, assistance and encouragements. This especially goes out to some of my course mates, which we went through the endless hordes of deadlines for reports and presentation (3reports 3 presentations), and the sleepless nights rushing through the readings and texts. – think 213.

I guess it’s the fact the knowing there are others going through the same thing as i do that’s kept me going. I strongly believe that Uni is not just about grades, its the journey that truly make a difference.

So.. A list of people whom i want to give thanks to. . . (in no order of priority)

1) My group mates.

I am blessed to have awesome group mates for my projects this sem. Everyone is very on the ball and responsible with our own share of work. I’ve seen and witnessed firsthand how ridiculous and slipshod some people are with regards to their work.

Lv Wen – My 2nd time partner for classical literature, she probably won’t be reading this, but she’s awesome and really zai.

XM – thanks for being equally clueless with me for 213 presentation. luckily we were the first group to present with not much benchmark set to lol.

Roy, Miki, YT – for the translation presentation, esp the meetings and bitching sessions. and roy for your beautiful slides – i pray that you dont have to go through another sem of pain for group work.

ZW – for successful persuasion to take 儒家思想 with you, and the many talk cock courses lol.

2) Other important people

dior – for listening to my endless rants

FH – for the study sessions, (the fridge is 友情價 k)

YL – for squash, the new sport that i picked up this sem, and im really enjoying it. and also your help in 151 & translation which didnt tranlate well into academic grades.. ohwell.

YH – for all the jokes we cracked on you, and probably on you and FH. hope u rcvd ur 清華admission notice soon.

Weiting – thanks for all the fudan admission assistance, let’s enjoy shanghai soon.

Carol – yea i know, you’re an awesome friend. thanks for your care and concern lol. i was damn touched when u ping-ed me when i was damn stressed during the exam period. pls meetup soon and enjoy taiwan!

Cindy – thanks for nagging at all the things i should take note when im in china,really like a mother. have a safe delivery, and i’ll see u soon at WW xmas party.

To my mum and my family – thanks for the support and tolerating my nonsense.

The list is in-exhaustive, to all those that i’ve missed out, my bad, but you’re definitely appreciated.

Next sem’s gonna be interesting. . and for all these hardwork, i deserve a break.

shanghai here i come.

daryl.

by doing this, not only did u make me feel terribly sad, you also made me give up hope on you.

it clearly shows how important I am to you. thanks for assuring it with your actions.

it’s really hard for me to move on. I want but I can’t, for all that has happened.

maybe what I need is just an answer.

I used to know of small little snippets in life that could cheer me up and make me happy. Now I couldn’t identify any of those things anymore.

Everything is so dull and meaningless now, especially when subjected to all these downcast and disappointments. Never have I been so disappointed this sem before. I guess I kind of overestimated myself with my capabilities. daryl, you’re just normal, plain normal, stop thinking that you’re extraordinary but only end up with bigger disappointments.

It has always been like this, in life in studies in fucking EVERYTHING. Things that I hold dear, things that I cherish, dreams that I aspire, aims I want to achieve never comes true. Life always puts me through this shit of making a decision of choosing options that are of 2nd class, when I gave already given up, leaving me in a dilemma fix.

I’m not stupid. I know what I’ve been dealing with. I know you. I chose to ignore. I chose to believe. I chose my heart over matters. U triumph. U let me loose. U gave me hope. U made me hold on. U used, and U throw.

Pain has awaken, in spite of the numbness.

Best part: I don’t know how to deal with this. U’re just clouding my heart with your presence, I know you’ve been there long enough to claim ownership, but that’s certainly not the way how things work, at least for now I’m sure.

things I hate most. people not replying to my message. damn gao wei pls.

In a blink of an eye, this long awaited dinner that Mrs Seah, BT and a few of us alumni has been thinking about for the past 1-2 years has finally come and go. 

The initial idea of the band dinner was purely for reminiscence sake; to gather everyone from AMKSS Band that has walked this music making path alongside with the teachers and BT. In fact, when this idea was first brought up to me, i didn’t cross my mind that i would be the one organizing the event and planning the show, even though i wish to attend it as much as possible.

The idea of possibility and feasibility came into picture, whether we could really pull off such a stint with a substantial desired amount of guests as a standalone event itself. There were several alumni gathering occasions, even not made official that were organized prior to this dinner to gauge the kind of turnout that we can expect from our alumni guests. Events like the BBQ that was previously held at the MPH of Mrs Seah residence, joining the secondary school band members for their inaugural band dinner, POP,  or even joint performances and concert with the main band.

For most of time, due to the schedule differences and unforeseen circumstances, the turnout would be just average, or rather it was mostly groups in clique and the few other common faces. Thus, somehow i was hesitant that this event would be successful, considering the statistics patterns shown.

However when i was arrowed the task of organizing this band dinner, it was the optimism that BT and Mrs Seah that pushed me on to believe that it’s possible. As much as i loathe the job of being a liaison and organizer for such events, i feel that for the commitment and affection that i carry towards this organization, i wouldn’t mind putting in extra effort for this to materialize, though things were not as smooth sailing as i thought it would be.

Firstly, the date. In order to accommodate all levels, be it JC students, Undergrads, working class etc, so as to inform the alumni early to free up the day and also to maximize attendance. That was how 30th July came about.

Secondly, the venue. Mrs Seah, with the help of KDZ has been sourcing for the venue for quite sometime. We had to factor in the accessibility of the venue, together with the buffet spread menu and the price package. We were this close to signing the contract with Peninsular Excelsior, before the recommendation from my cousin came in about NUSS Guild at Suntec where we managed to bring the price down to $50/- NETT. Yes, it was supposed to be of a much higher price because other than the food you’re eating,  what we’re paying involves renting the venue, and paying the staff that’s clear your plates and refill your drinks.

Thirdly, the price. This was a huge concern of mine. Like Angeline (one of the older graduate if you dk) said, "$50 is the price of our one meal, but it might be their (the younger graduates) one week allowance". I was pretty, or rather very worried that the price would deter many, which my worries has proven me right. $50/- is a lot for a 17 year old to come out, especially when most are still students.

I thank all that have to save and scrimp for the rest of the week/month in order to attend this dinner, and i hope that you have enjoyed yourselves and found the event meaningful and fulfilling.

Forthly, the attendance. With the help of several batch representatives, which i thank from the bottom of my heart because you have guys have lessen my job/workload by a lot. To Jiahao, Tommy, Yuqing, James, Cybil, Pupeng, Hazmei, Shi Zheng, Jia Yan, Sharlyn, Wei Xiang, Wei Lin, Chenning, Melissa Butt, thanks for your help during this period to engage your batch guys and to encourage and persuade them to attend this event, although it felt like im arrowing shit to y’all, but i’ve seen that you guys have really did your best.

I saw weilin’s SMS to my brother to persuade that guai lan kia to come, i feel relieved that im giving the right task to the right people. Once again, thank you.

Next comes the programme. To be frank, there wasn’t a concrete programme to begin with. Partly due to my commitments with my camps and other holidays i wasn’t able to do a good job on this. Thanks to Mrs Seah and her collection of photos that lead back to eons, i was able to come out with a video, although the video was made like 5hrs before the dinner.

To the younger batches, sorry that there wasn’t a lot of photos of you guys, because it wasnt stored in our photo archive, and there wasnt enough time to get the soft copies of the photo albums from y’all. As such, i took the liberty of Facebook technology to sieve out a few photos, really a few, so that you guys will not feel so left out, i could have done better, if given more time.

In a nutshell, i really enjoyed myself last night, and felt that everything was worth the effort, even though the preparation stage was kind of messy, stressful and hectic.

To my seniors and batch mates: It was great seeing you guys again, and to talk like old times and reminiscence about the past. Although we might not be the best band or best players around, but its the hardship and company that has engraved these memories deep down in our heart; something that i will cherish and treasure.

It was also an experience to see BT go clubbing with us, and drinking our hearts out at the after-party.

To my juniors: I hope that you dont feel that you have been left out during the dinner because of the insufficient exposure and "airtime" that you have. I must emphasis that everyone single one of you makes up the history and plays a part in making this event a success. AMKSS Band has came a long way to where it is today and it is important to know that we were once nowhere.

My heartfelt thanks to all of you guys that has attended and made this possible.  

小时候，我们时不时都会有这样的想法；渴望快点长大。大人在过年过节时也常常挂在嘴边，念念有词地说“ah boy 啊！祝你快高长大”。

长大真的那么好吗？为什么大人都迫不及待地要我们长大，还特地为我们幼小的心灵拼凑一幅美丽的未来图。他们身为经历过成长的这些大人，在送上这些祝福背后是不是藏着一把大刀，慢慢地看着无知的我们走向一个任由别人宰割的阶段。

“长大后你可以买大大的房子，大大的汽车，可以赚很多很多的钱，买你喜欢的玩具和巧克力”。

好美满啊，怪不得我们小时都有着“我要快点长大”的想法。

-

我今年二十二岁，算幼不幼，长不长，处于一个过渡阶段。但是我知道在我懂事之年开始，随着岁数的增加，没有一年是比一年更快乐的。反而是岁数越大，看的东西越多，接触社会不同阶级的人物越广，我才慢慢地意识到，原来长大一点也不幸福快乐，而是被迫去面对这个残酷的现实社会，把理想中的完美世界打破。

我所谓的完美世界，原来是因为我这个家庭，社会接触的族群和父母所打造出来的。

从小，生活就是环绕在父母的呼唤当中。虽然时不时会顶嘴叛逆，但总的来说，我的父母足于给我所需要的一切。无论是在生理或心理，我所看到的世界是一个充满希望，充满着这种活下去的意义。

我很庆幸自己生长在一个幸福齐全的家庭里，只有活到了22岁的今天，才可以初步地说开始摸清楚原来现实社会是那么复杂，那么黑暗的。跟小时所意想的完全不同。

家庭的破裂，阶级职业卑贱的排斥，教育机会的偏差，人生被金钱的束缚，社会的责任等等等等。。。原来社会是聚满这样多不为人（小）知的悲剧，等着我们依依去面对。尤其是在新加坡这个竞争激烈的国土。从小学开始，就不断地往高处爬。想考班上第一，想考进名校，想考进大学 … 但是我们这无畏的追求到头来根本就只是盲目地跟随着族群的影子，毫无自我意识的追求。

成长虽是必然的，但是请不要在小孩幼年的时候种下完美未来的幻想，如果一时接受不了现实的真相，往往就是人生悲剧酝酿的源头。

这学期自己最突破性的变化就是开始从这个封闭的心走出来。从来都不相信人，其实要做到这样已经很了不起了。但是，心里还总是有那很朦胧的感觉。

把自己的心掏出来，虽然感觉的确是挺舒服的，至少那种压迫忧郁感会慢慢消除。但是又意味着这样，心中的防墙在慢慢地被削薄时，又不曾有会回到最终的原点；就是开始怀疑自己掏诉的对象是否根本地在意着。

情感上过于的寄托，恐怕会酿成另外一种感情至上。其实需要的只是一个确确实实真心的知己，这样也算太过分吗？今日的坦诚，会不会造成一段友谊的破裂和情感的错乱呢？至少在理智方面的去向是合法真确的。但是，有多少时候在此情况下可以理智地想而做。

看来还是回到汽水管比较好。无论在里面什么样翻滚挣扎，外表还是一个完美无瑕的铁管。

-煇